I could make you happy / Make your dreams come true / Nothing that I wouldn't do / Go to the ends of the earth for you
That's a few lines from an Adele song. Anytime I fight with MyLove, this song is so appropriate. This is definitely, most definitely how I feel about him.
Although, MyLove, I am starting to resent you. There were things I wanted during this pregnancy. Maybe unreasonable things. But they were my dreams. I have yearned for your attention, your romance, and your humility. I have given you all that I have and bent over backwards to make you feel my love.
I feel like I'm waiting for you to grow up. And sometimes I feel as though I am waiting in vain. Sometimes I feel that I am doing this alone.
It hurts my feelings that you aren't able to console me. It hurts my feelings that most of the time, your ego remaining intact is more important than how I feel.
It's frustrating that I humble myself in self-talk, remind myself you are just human, just like me; remind myself that all things happen in due time, make excuses for the things you do and say that make me cry. It's frustrating to do these things to keep the peace and still your ego is more important.
It's hard to fight your ego when all I'm usually trying to do is tell you that I'd go hungry for you, so just love me a little harder.
We made a person, a little Black girl. And when she gets here, I want her to think you're the most wonderful man in the world. I want her to want a husband like her Daddy. I want her to see how wonderful her Daddy treats her Mom. I want her to say one day that she's never seen us fight, that she's never seen us not in love.
I could hold you for a million years to make you feel my love. And I don't mind letting you make me cry a while longer while you find the man you really are. For no matter what, I know I am where you belong.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Friday, August 5, 2011
Forums II
It's Saturday. So we are officially 28 weeks today. My cousin and his long time girlfriend delivered their baby at 27 weeks in the month of May. I have been terrified of not getting through week 27 since I heard that. It's a devastating thing, I imagine. To give birth and not be able to take your child home. But it is also an amazing thing that the technology to support a baby born at 27 weeks exists.
In my head, I lament about my pregnancy alot. Not the physical pregnancy, which has really gone very normal and healthy, but the emotional and physical circumstances taking place during my pregnancy.
We moved out of our apartment at the end of June. We were having a lot of trouble finding a place suitable for our income and our space needs. One of MyLove's friends was going to move in with us, but couldn't quite commit to living in Richmond, so we scrapped that plan.
I was just online, trying to entertain myself by looking on Craig's List for the new rental listings. I found all kinds of amazing, cheap rentals! Of course I was irritated. I wish those had been available when we were looking.
After a little bit of searching and after scrapping the 3rd roommate idea, we decided to move to his mother's house. His parents have a beautiful house about an hour from Richmond, with lots of land and love. We've been commuting between there and Richmond, staying at my sisters' house or my parents house on some nights and in the country on the weekends. It's been working out. Everyone has been so welcoming, letting us stay in their homes and being so supportive. My sisters especially have been so supportive. I get teary-eyed when I think about them and where I would be without them during this pregnancy. They make me so happy and when I'm around them, I feel like my life is completely perfect.
Still, it gets stressful. MyLove and I are growing together, fighting, arguing, planning, budgeting. It would be nice to have our own space to do it in. It can also get sticky when we don't get enough alone time together. Additionally, I'm the only pregnant one, so when it's time to go out, my sisters get dressed, get ready, get drunk, and leave. I sometimes feel alienated. I feel guilty for feeling alienated because it is not as if they are trying to leave me out on purpose. I'm pregnant. I also feel guilty because I fear that I am telling the Universe that I resent my baby, which I don't. I think those feelings are normal though and I accept them, go through feeling them when I am feeling them, and then remind myself that I used to party, I'm going to be a mom now, and I'm only taking an extended hiatus from leisure, not retiring.
Sometimes I resent MyLove because he's not pregnant. We often discuss his "adjustment" to my pregnancy. I try to be understanding about the time it has/is taking him to come to terms with how much I have changed and how much more I need from him. But at times, I resent it because I am pregnant and I don't have the luxury of "adjusting." I have to accept my pregnancy and adjust accordingly for the health and well-being of my child. I can't drink and say, "I haven't really adjusted to being pregnant." Ain't nobody tryna hear that. But he can say that. He can get an attitude about me not being able to go out with him or something else I can no longer do and cite the fact that he hasn't quite adjusted to my pregnancy (even though we are 7 months pregnant now). What a plight and a pleasure it is to be a woman.
I am becoming impatient. I get daily emails from some website I signed up for several months ago that keeps daily track of my pregnancy, the baby's development, and the changes I may be experiencing. I am counting down to the day girl. Every Saturday, I graduate a week. Today, Saturday, August 6, 2011, we are 28 weeks pregnant!! That means we have approximately 12 weeks to go.
And I cannot wait to meet my baby girl.
In my head, I lament about my pregnancy alot. Not the physical pregnancy, which has really gone very normal and healthy, but the emotional and physical circumstances taking place during my pregnancy.
We moved out of our apartment at the end of June. We were having a lot of trouble finding a place suitable for our income and our space needs. One of MyLove's friends was going to move in with us, but couldn't quite commit to living in Richmond, so we scrapped that plan.
I was just online, trying to entertain myself by looking on Craig's List for the new rental listings. I found all kinds of amazing, cheap rentals! Of course I was irritated. I wish those had been available when we were looking.
After a little bit of searching and after scrapping the 3rd roommate idea, we decided to move to his mother's house. His parents have a beautiful house about an hour from Richmond, with lots of land and love. We've been commuting between there and Richmond, staying at my sisters' house or my parents house on some nights and in the country on the weekends. It's been working out. Everyone has been so welcoming, letting us stay in their homes and being so supportive. My sisters especially have been so supportive. I get teary-eyed when I think about them and where I would be without them during this pregnancy. They make me so happy and when I'm around them, I feel like my life is completely perfect.
Still, it gets stressful. MyLove and I are growing together, fighting, arguing, planning, budgeting. It would be nice to have our own space to do it in. It can also get sticky when we don't get enough alone time together. Additionally, I'm the only pregnant one, so when it's time to go out, my sisters get dressed, get ready, get drunk, and leave. I sometimes feel alienated. I feel guilty for feeling alienated because it is not as if they are trying to leave me out on purpose. I'm pregnant. I also feel guilty because I fear that I am telling the Universe that I resent my baby, which I don't. I think those feelings are normal though and I accept them, go through feeling them when I am feeling them, and then remind myself that I used to party, I'm going to be a mom now, and I'm only taking an extended hiatus from leisure, not retiring.
Sometimes I resent MyLove because he's not pregnant. We often discuss his "adjustment" to my pregnancy. I try to be understanding about the time it has/is taking him to come to terms with how much I have changed and how much more I need from him. But at times, I resent it because I am pregnant and I don't have the luxury of "adjusting." I have to accept my pregnancy and adjust accordingly for the health and well-being of my child. I can't drink and say, "I haven't really adjusted to being pregnant." Ain't nobody tryna hear that. But he can say that. He can get an attitude about me not being able to go out with him or something else I can no longer do and cite the fact that he hasn't quite adjusted to my pregnancy (even though we are 7 months pregnant now). What a plight and a pleasure it is to be a woman.
I am becoming impatient. I get daily emails from some website I signed up for several months ago that keeps daily track of my pregnancy, the baby's development, and the changes I may be experiencing. I am counting down to the day girl. Every Saturday, I graduate a week. Today, Saturday, August 6, 2011, we are 28 weeks pregnant!! That means we have approximately 12 weeks to go.
And I cannot wait to meet my baby girl.
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